this is what you get when i don't get sleep.

i'm not sure how much sleep i DID manage to get last night.. i just remember waking up at about 2 and turning my tv off and struggling with my damn cpap. then i woke up at like 5 and couldn't get my cpap to stay on again.. i'm pretty sure i got pissed off at it and threw the mask on the floor and somehow managed to fall back asleep naturally- it probably took a while. seeing as the ics or ihs workers don't do what the fuck they're paid for and are just obviously trying to take advantage of the amount of time they get paid for assistance because they want fredrick's hours- the day they take me to stores to buy things, walk with me for 15 minutes a day, make sure i get all my meals, and make sure my clothes are clean is the day they CAN get paid more- TAKE ADVANTAGE OF SOME OTHER MENTALLY DISABLED VULNERABLE ADULT (since i'm convinced that's how they, most of my family (INCLUDING AMANDA but not joe) and other people i see around this place think i am). AFTER A LITTLE MORE THAN TWENTY THREE YEARS- I STILL GET CHARACTERIZED AND DEPICTED AS A DISABLED BUM- WHY'S THAT YOU ASK? LOCATION. IN OTHER LOCATIONS PEOPLE AREN'T WORRIED ABOUT LOOKING BETTER THAN THE OTHER PERSON- THEY MIND THEIR OWN FUCKIN BUSINESS AND ARE MORE WORRIED ABOUT THEMSELVES. from my experience in traveling to other locations. they aren't concerned about keeping their relatives and people they supposedly "care" about back from doing better than themselves or just doing things differently than what they're used to. they're also more supportive of people around them and want them to do as well as they can in life. people in this state try to keep me back from progressing to levels that aren't convenient for them and they ignore them because they don't wanna be bothered with even their own damn family. ISN'T THAT RIGHT AMANDA? i won't be thanking you for not helping me. i'm just gonna treat you the EXACT SAME way you treated me all these years.. so ignore you except for when it's convenient for ME. the reason why i'm pretty sure i don't plan on reproducing is based on how I was treated MYSELF by MY family particularly after my brain injury and the selective support i received from my family. i'm not making another human being go through the shit i've had to go through because some selfish pricks who are too worried about themselves to show any amount of "care" for anyone but THEMSELVES.